I think it might be bad...

…if I can relate to how Raskolnikov, from Crime and Punishment, is thinking.  Not the part about murdering people, or when he considers himself a louse, or when considering himself as a Napoleon. More so with the scattered, super suspicious, paranoid thoughts of other people. How he over analyzes every little thing, and then will intermittently remind himself to calm down. He is thinking about this because he murdered somebody, I on the other hand am probably just insecure. I usually just try to push out thinking so I don’t analyze every little thing and start worrying that I did something wrong or blah blah blah… I push these thoughts out, but I think by trying to ignore my insecure thoughts I may be pushing out the considerate and deliberate thoughts. I am becoming one big irrational, random mess of actions without thinking. This then leads to more analysis after the fact when nobody but myself is probably pondering the matter. So instead of removing these thoughts, I am simply delaying them possibly. Or, even worse, I never think about my actions.

I need to find some balance. Don’t be impulsive. Don’t over analyze. Be considerate and deliberate. Simply, I need to focus on how I am impacting others. Well that is stupid; that is not simple at all. How do I know how I am impacting others? I cannot know everything. What a fool I am. How can I analyze my actions but not let my thoughts drag myself down into a spiraling descent of despair? Arg… I fear this is probably because of my lack of time spent with God. I feel the gap growing, and I hate it. But if I hated it, wouldn’t I stop it. My lazy inactivity of school has transferred over to every part of my life. If my homework was on worksheets instead of having to open a text book and get my own paper, then I would do it; if my Bible was open already by my bed, I would read it. At least I finally found my Bible. It has been missing since I moved (beginning of January), and I found it in my Emergency Backpack. Logical place, I just happened to forget. Well I am going to pull it out of my car after I click “Create post.” I will bring it to bed, and I will probably doze off because sleep is overtaking me. Hopefully I wake early enough to read it, or maybe I’ll finally go back to Youth Alive.

Lord, give me the determination.