I am riddled with everything, especially about myself. I started creating a list, but I didn’t know where to end. When I receive a true compliment I really value, I don’t know if I am truly humbled or not. I don’t know if I feel guilty or pleasure (or both?). I am often brought to just thanking God that he accomplished something out of this nothing. Maybe it is embarrassment. I was mentioned in a blog post that also contained a beautiful reflection on our God and also the beautiful truth of God’s grace flowing through Jesus’ death and resurrection on the cross. I felt incredibly unworthy of being even mentioned in the same post. I think I uncovered two things (well if anything is truly uncovered, then it is only the working of the Holy Spirit).
I don’t know which to mention first… well I leave the hopefully more wonderful thing to the end. I think I often feel awkward/guilty when I receive some sort of praise because I know how much I fall short of that. Outside of that though, I am pretty sure I really struggle with self-righteousness. I feel good when I do good things, which I think is natural, God made it that way, but then I begin to make that shine on who I am. In reality, who I am is set already in Christ. His grace already covers it all, I am complete in Christ. But equally I should feel awful when I paint a poor portrait of my Savior in my sinfulness. How do I balance these two things? I don’t know. I really don’t. What I said probably doesn’t even really make sense. But the more I thrive on the goodness of God’s grace, the more I love my God and simply can rest in Him. May I never forget this so that I don’t go astray. I think there is very biblical reasoning for the necessity of pastors to preach the Gospel all the time, but personally, I NEED IT. I go astray and delude myself with false me-centric doctrine if I do not think about God’s grace constantly. Grace is what drives us, not guilt.
The second thing that I may have discovered in seeing myself in the same post as Christ, which is strange because He is so apart of my life, and I mention Him all the time, but this hit me. I felt so unworthy and embarrassed, but I also think I felt joy. I know it sounds all squishy and silly, but it clued me in on just how awesome the roles we have as sons and daughters of God. Not only do we have a rich inheritance in Christ, a thousand spiritual blessings, and eternal life with God, but we are his messengers of reconciliation! So look at this (I couldn’t help but just include a big chunk since it is all so awesome and knit together, you should probably just read the whole book):
"For the love of Christ controls us, because we have concluded this: that one has died for all, therefore all have died; and he died for all, that those who live might no longer live for themselves but for him who for their sake died and was raised. From now on, therefore, we regard no one according to the flesh. Even though we once regarded Christ according to the flesh, we regard him thus no longer. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation. Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us. We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.” (2 Corinthians 5:14-21 ESV)
There is a huge implication that we are to be guarding and fulfilling what has been entrusted to us, but we also have to see the beauty of this. This GIANT COSMIC PLAN of bringing back lowly sinful humanity back to Himself has been entrusted to us. How blessed are we!! That we can be part of this glorious plan! I mean, there is infinite joy in knowing God, but in addition, we get to be mentioned in this story?!! Who am I that I am to be part of God’s redemptive story, that I am able to point to Christ Jesus!? I am so unworthy, but this is what God has entrusted to us. We take our joy in giving glory to God, but he gives us glory… oh how superlatively good is our God, oh how he loves us.
“The glory that you have given me I have given to them, that they may be one even as we are one, I in them and you in me, that they may become perfectly one, so that the world may know that you sent me and loved them even as you loved me.” (John 17:22-23 ESV)
LORD, may I never seek my own glory, but may I seek to lift your name high, as it is exalted above all else, may I not ever make myself out to be great, but only You. May Christ be exalted in my actions, words, life. May I decrease and Christ increase. Holy Spirit come and work in me please. I need you so badly. I don’t need any of this trash of distracting entertainment around me. It just numbs and postpones life.
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