Arg

I was just going through my Google Reader and followed up on a friend who went on a missions trip. He was writing on the change that is to come from that, and I was curious as to what changes aside from a ‘broadened mind’ were to come from that. But then I realized that I need to be taking a similar inventory. I have been gone from home for quite some time, and although I’m not saying Northwestern College is comparable to a crazy missions trip, God can change people anywhere. So I need to be reflecting, reflecting so I do not forget the things that have become so important, reflecting to not lose the change in thought and life that redirect me to God. How can I be so impotent that I fall back into the same habits, the same thoughts, the same un-awakened life that I had before?! I need to be tearing through this, not letting myself settle into a useless heap of crap. Honestly, I have let most of the change fade away. I wasn’t unaware. I’m not helpless. I am just “far to easily pleased.” Me being aware makes me feel all the worse. I’m not deserved of being able to go back to God. But what makes me think that I ever deserved to come to God. Grace, and only grace. I don’t believe that I do good things to make myself righteous, and that I do them because I want to please God. So knowing that I will always do something that is displeasing, and that I need daily grace, I should be brought to… to something. Wanting to seek righteousness isn’t bad, but I can’t forget that I need God’s grace everyday, and that he just lets it flow because he loves so much. And how can knowing this bring anybody to anything aside from a desire to just seek God?! What is wrong with me?

(insert omitted prayer, because this prayer is just a plea before my Lord)