Immersion

When I was baptized at some earlier age (my parent’s thought I should wait till I was a little older, but I said I was ready, but now I feel it wouldn’t have hurt to wait so I could remember it better and understand more), I had to decide between anointing and immersion (aka dunking). I thought about the symbolism of these 2 things and I didn’t want to be dunked because it was more popular, so I kept thinking. After a few days I picked dunking because I really liked the idea of being completely surrounded in God, my whole body, my whole life.

I haven’t thought about it again until recently. Last night I accidentally fell asleep for an hour and a half then woke up and went to bed an hour later. I wasn’t able to fall asleep and finally looked at the clock and it was midnight. Well I didn’t fall asleep for a little after that, but during that time and maybe a little before my nap, I felt really at peace. I seemed to have a good idea of what I should do to get back on the right track. Well since it has been awhile and I have been squandering my time on Starcraft II and buying textbooks (thank goodness for campusbooks.com) I have seem to have wandered away and forgotten it all except for one thought, immersion.

I chose immersion cause I wanted to be surrounded by God. God is ready, he is a still lake waiting to be rippled. To immerse is a choice, a daily choice. If I want God to surround me, to be in every breath I take, entonces tengo que comer y respirar la Palabra (I have been working on my Spanish too). I have this awesome devotional book, but am not using it. Then because it is set up in weekly segments I only start on Sunday and start over again next Sunday if I miss a day. I’m thinking it is just an excuse to not do what I know I should. 

I have a problem with procrastination. I seem to desire doing everything but what I know should be done (right now that would be: devotionals, reading the Bible, studying for SPA2101). It isn’t too difficult, but I make myself dread the necessary. I work best under a sense of urgency, but with God, I don’t seem to feel it. He is always there. I have known of him since I was little. I know he will be there at the end of the day, waiting. Why do I sit here, knowing what needs to be done, but not doing. Finding some distraction to free me from thoughts of responsibility and necessity. Is this my latent rebellious stage? I don’t do it because I can choose not to. Make myself feel like I have control?

“I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate.” Romans 7:15 NLT

It isn’t always hate (I usually enjoy playing StarCraft), but sometimes it is.

Lord, “I want to be holy, set apart for You, my master, ready to do you will.” I say that I want to immerse myself, my life, every minute of my day, but I feel a tinge of pain or something in my chest when I say that. I feel like inside I don’t really want to change, I don’t want to give it all up. Why do I feel this! Help me Lord.