I'm tired.

Ever feel distant? Like maybe things should finally be going like you wanted them to, but then its just off. You don’t know if it is you or they. Am I a stuck up fool? Just an idiot? I think I prefer… neither.

When I go off to college everything will be new. New everything. I thought that I would be okay with this, because I was always very independent, but it was really just being anti-social. Going into middle school I was just focused on my studies and planning the future. I had no real friends in school, but I don’t think I cared or thought about it. I talked to certain people and maybe went to a few things every once in awhile, but no real connections. Going into high school it was the same. Cross Country probably opened my horizon a little, but I was still not part of a group. Always a misfit occasionally there. Sophomore year was very similar. Junior year XC was starting to be a family, and Academic Decathlon was another family. Made dear friends. Had good times. Senior year I continue the raise of socializing while my studies decline. I have become dependent on people, but I know I still lack typical social awareness, never really knowing how I place with somebody else. ‘Is it an open invitation to also go to In-N-Out?’ ‘Am I a close friend?’ These questions of self-doubt end up in the safe path, not opening myself. I am hidden under a shell of self-questioning. I used to question every action or word being truly afraid to open myself at all, show people who I am. I am pretty much past that, but people accepting me and having a connection with me is two different things. Social acceptance is a that free sample at Costco that just makes you crave for more. Any person who I feel I can share with is pretty much out of contact. Life happens, stuff happens, distance happens. But now I think I am on a tangent. Well with all this pondering, I am going to college where I get to start over. I look forward to meeting my roommates, and I don’t dislike the idea of meeting new people, but there is a complete apprehension that I don’t remember ever having. Life was simpler and easier when it was me, my homework, and a few responsibilities here and there.