Purpose

Earlier today I was feeling extremely depressed. It didn’t last long. Maybe it was because I just finished reading Watchmen, which isn’t the traditional happy ending story. Maybe it is because I just got back from California and now have to cannonball back into reality, which includes tons of homework and scholarship stuff (1 I just found out I didn’t win, and another 1 I could have one, but missed the deadline).

All this homework means tons of time spent doing the homework. Luckily Sparknotes helps with part of it, but I really prefer actually reading the book. Anyways, in Sunday School we touched upon the all powerful, yet seemingly elusive, spiritual gifts. Which made me think about how I am put here to help people, to love people. But all this homework seems to get in the way! Yarg! How can I go out and help people when I have so many obligations. I feel akin to Paul’s message about marriage. As I understand it, he liked Christians being single so that they aren’t tied down and hindered in this manner, but are open and ready for change, able to give themselves completely to others without responsibilities restricting their movements. I feel all these advanced classes are just burdens. My friend Cole must have been something similar to this, because his senior year he dropped a few of his AP classes because he plans on going into pastoral work or something, so excessive math is exactly that, excessive. But I have such a passion for learning, well… I used to at least. I want to be there for people.

A slightly less holistic thought was due to my recent failures in Academic Decathlon and the STN competition. My attention in life is so diverted. I am involved in so many things that I feel I am limiting myself to substandard levels of excellence. I was unable to prepare enough for Aca Dec, and I haven’t been able to dedicate myself to TV Productions enough to actually be able to make a film (same for the other top students in TV Pro). I partially feel this is the PVHS curse. There are so many electives and clubs and options that attract you, but you are then unable to excel in any of your activities. It is quite dreadful, especially when these things involve competition. Is this why I was unable to beat out 2 other guys for the Outstanding Young Man for City Council District 3?? Or was it just because I forgot to mention my attendance at Boy’s State.

I feel dead set on Northwestern. I emailed them telling them of the large difference between the scholarships that I am receiving from Bluffton and them, and they simply told me about the regular things that I need to make sure to do. They reminded me to look for outside scholarships. I wasn’t getting some special award or treatment; I was just there. And I liked it. Maybe this is my chance to finally strive for something. A challenge to make me work hard and a chance to start over in a place that I am not labeled as “the kid who just gets As”. I feel that may be my destiny at Bluffton. On the flop-side, I feel like I am almost welcoming underachievement…